In some corners of this country exists a particularly rare
breed of Argentine that is best seen in its natural setting. The Gaucho, which
once roamed freely in South America, particularly in the Pampas region, has
recently become increasingly endangered. While extinction is unlikely due to
the Gaucho’s popularity in the national culture, very few wild specimens
remain. Captive Gaucho, while having a longer lifespan and more vibrant plumage
than their untamed counterparts, lack a certain dignity and independence that
can only be witnessed in a natural setting. A three-hour bus ride took us to
one of the few remaining enclaves of feral Guacho, and while the danger was
palpable at times, it was truly a breathtaking experience.
Upon arriving, we initially had difficulty differentiating
between the Common Argentine and the endangered Gaucho. The most accurate way
to determine if the Argentine you’re witnessing is an authentic Guacho is to
determine its relationship with horses. The Common Argentine will have an
affinity for horses, and may go as far as to mount one on occasion, but
largely, the two species live separately. Gaucho, on the other hand, have a
symbiotic relationship with the equine species, which manifests itself in
near-constant attachment. The Gaucho will only willingly separate itself from
its companion in order to perform a revenge ritual against a cohabitating
species, the lesser cow. This unique relationship is significantly more parasitic
than the one between Gaucho and horses, and any cow captured by a Gaucho can
expect to be tortured, often fatally. The horse species is obstinately neutral
in this age-old feud, but has been utilized at times by Gaucho to facilitate
their heifer domination.
Those readers with weak constitutions make want to consider
skipping to the next paragraph, as the Gaucho torture ritual is decidedly
graphic. First, the Gaucho permit outsiders to ride their prized horses. This
insures that the horse will defecate all over the field where the cattle will
be brought, increasing the likelihood of ruining the cows’ freshly manicured hooves.
Games are then played in this field of horse compost, often involving feats of
strength, skill, and domination, in order to mentally prepare the younger
Gaucho for the savagery that will ensue. Finally, cattle are brought into the
corral, dogs whipping them from horseback and Gaucho nipping at their hooves. I
assure you, the majestic imagery of the previous sentence was accurately
transcribed. In the end, select cattle are tied, tackled, and tattooed with the
initials of the alpha Gaucho while their compatriots moo in terror. The lucky
ones will be barbecued later, slowly roasted outside for hours. Scrumptiously
served in a variety of courses with wine, bread, and heavily salted vegetables,
the conquered cows taste of defeat and a unique blend of herbs and spices. I
assure you, had we known that we were facilitating this barbarous act, we would
have politely refused seconds.
Naturalists have recently noted a peculiar trend among
certain Gaucho colonies, wherein black bovines are exclusively targeted for the
torture ritual. Discrimination, previously considered to be a unique trait of
American ranchers, now seems to manifest itself in other cowboy species as
well: the Gaucho has shown a previously unknown level of racial prejudice. In
his now-famous dissertation on the subject of black cattle captivity by the Gaucho,
entitled Changes, famed Gauchologist
Tupac Skakur maintained that, “It ain't a secret, don't conceal the
fact...the penitentiary's packed, and it's filled with blacks.” While the actions
of the Gaucho may seem cruel to us, we must remember that nature plays by a
different set of rules. In the end, it is survival of the fittest that
determines who flourishes and who gets turned into asado on the weekends. If
nothing else, the noble Gaucho can teach us that coexisting is often dangerous,
and may require a firm hand. Because seriously, if someone doesn’t control
these damn horses and cows, they will shit just everywhere.
Notes:
1.
We visited a farm where people who
still follow many of the gaucho traditions live. They are incredibly friendly
and accommodating people, and deserve better than being relegated to animal
status in a mockumentary.
2.
Their horses heavily influence gaucho culture.
Kids as young as 4 were riding horses.
3.
There was a dangerously adorable 3-year-old
child at the farm who danced for us. He was even dressed like a little gaucho.
4.
All the parts of the cow are cooked for asados,
including kidneys, hearts, intestines, and other intestines. Some of them are
tasty. Most of them are terrifying. These adjectives are not mutually
exclusive.
5.
While I’m growing to like them, I still maintain
that horses are among the dumbest creatures alive. This comic becomes
more relevant by the week:
http://hatefarm.com/comic/dont-punch-that-horse/
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